I Miss You
My sons....
Your ears & hearts & minds are too young to hear and receive this. But if your grown & fully matured selves were with me tonight, this is what I would say:
I miss you.
I don't use those words often. It might seem strange to some, but I don't want you to hear how your absence makes me feel. I want you to hear how your presence makes me feel. So when you return from your dad's, I say, "I am SO HAPPY to see you!" I want you to hear how much I *delight* in you. I don't want you to carry even an ounce of the heaviness that I feel while you are away. It's not your fault, and I don't want you to feel badly or responsible. You are free to enjoy your life with daddy, and I want to protect & encourage that.
But...I miss you.
It goes so deep, boys. My body created you. Every cell of you is precious to me. My heart is so connected to you both, and I feel like limbs are missing when you are not with me. I want to kiss your sweet faces every night before bed, but I can't. The fact that you have a whole life that I can't experience with you is such a loss for me. I want to be there when you have questions to answer, owies to kiss, new ninja skills to applaud. I will never know exactly what I'm missing.
Your sister recently started to cry every time you leave. I appreciate her so much - she validates what I'm feeling! I think I need to get honest with myself and cry more. As much as we try to create joy in our new normal, it hurts to say goodbye each week. I know it hurts you too, and that just kills me. You are SO brave, and you make my heart burst with pride.
My first born...you made me a mom. Everything about you is delicious to me - your face, your freckles, your lips, your brilliant mind. Watching you grow leaves me breathless in wonder. You are more than I ever imagined, and you're living proof that children are a blessing from the Lord. I LOVE talking with you. You carry a depth that is beautiful & powerful. You *get* it. You understand truth & God's character & how life works. I pray you never lose that. You asked the Lord for wisdom at age 7 and He delivered!
My second born...you stole my heart. Your sideways grins and bad-boy-cute ways melt me. You are so helpful and thoughtful and passionate. You live up to your name, "friend". You are loyal, social, funny and active. If you keep asking me to marry you, I'll probably have to say yes. You have BIG feelings, and I'm so glad that you carry emotional honesty & expressiveness. You ask big questions to make sense of your big feelings, and I pray that you look to your big God for the answers. He's the only one who will satisfy your wild heart.
Boys, I'm so, so, so sorry that your life has been wounded. Thank you for being honest with me. "It's hard having two homes because I always miss someone." YES. Divorce is brutal and ugly and wrong. I'll never sugarcoat it for you, because the curse ends here. I am deeply committed to walking you through full healing, which requires a full examination of the hurt. God has worked tremendous beauty out of our ashes, but any time you need to grieve the fire, I am with you, and so is He. This isn't His design, and I hope we all learn from this that living inside His beautiful boundaries is the best life possible.
Both of you have recently diagnosed physical ailments in response to the trauma years ago. Oh loves....I would give my whole body to take that from you. You were just babies. I tried to shield you, crumpled mess that I was. But I couldn't take the full force of the blow to our lives. For that, I will always ache.
But you are both thriving! Look at you. You love mommy & daddy with your whole hearts, plus all the extra people that have come into your lives. Your expansiveness & resilience inspire me. We are making this work. I love our lives together, and this wonky, gorgeous blended family that ebbs & flows each week. I wish I had more time with you, of course. But even if someone offered me a magic button that gave me full custody, I couldn't do it. You need your dad & his love is so necessary in your life. I miss you, but if missing you is the price I have to pay to get half of your childhood, I'll pay in full. And each time I grieve you, my tears will carry my prayers right to where you are.
I pray that as you grow into adulthood and understand more fully what happened when dad left that you will:
Forgive your dad. His choices hurt you. Permanently. But he loves you, and there is so much freedom in forgiveness. I hope I have showed you the way. Ask God to show you His heart for dad - there's no space for bitterness.
Give me grace for my fumbling. I did my best to function, but you had a pretty wounded mama during your formative years. I tried to find the balance between leaning on you or pulling away, but I know I didn't do it perfectly. Did I cry too much in front of you? Rely too much on Cars 2 & Turbo Fast to distract you? I pray my love guarded you even on my darkest days.
Look to Severin. He will never replace your dad in your lives, and isn't meant to. His job is to love your old mom, and he's doing so well at that. He is the kind of husband I want you to be. As you build your lives, take the best from both homes.
Remember God's faithfulness. My life's desire is that you experience God's love and love Him back. His love never left us, not for a second. And on nights like tonight when I miss the puppy-dog smell of your hair, and the warmth & weight of your sweet bodies snuggling mine, I know His love is with you. Wrapping you up tight and holding you when I can't.
My boys, my babies, my sons...I miss you. What a blessed woman I am to have such incredible children to miss. Sleep tight, loves.