Picking Up My Mat
Jesus healed my mind.
It's still hard for me to wrap my mind / heart / hope around. I've been contending with depression & anxiety for 13 years. It haunted and shamed me for my entire adult life. It cost me dearly, and was a formidable darkness. It wanted to destroy me and end my life. But with just one touch, one moment in worship, the Healer won my war.
Funny thing is, I wasn't even asking for healing. Oh, I have asked before, believe me. But in this moment, I just wanted Him. His sweet, overpowering, gentle, heavenly presence. I wanted to see His face, touch His heart. There's nothing and no one like Jesus. He's everything. Full stop.
Then He just healed me. Not because I did the correct 15 step process. Not because I earned it. Not because I finally learned the lesson. Just because He loves me. Just because it's what He wanted for me and I was positioned so closely to Him that I received it.
Now what?
Now I pick up my mat and go. Now I tell people about the power and beauty of Jesus. He still heals, still saves, still moves. My mat reminds me of where I was, and what He brought me out of. It also requires that I move out of my old habits and even the comforts of identifying with this disease.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit terrified. This public announcement of the most vulnerable parts of my being is a big step. For days I've been battling this fear that if I move wrong, think wrong, I might "lose" it. What if I got it wrong? What if this is just a break from the torture, not full healing? What if, what if, what if.....
Enough! My faith is in JESUS, not in my ability to "stay healed". HE is the author and perfecter of my faith, and I'm going to obey Him when He asks me to share my story. My life is His, and I trust Him to sustain me on every mountain and in every valley.
Our world is in the largest mental health crisis in history. God cares. God has answers. He has gifted us with medicine and treatment and I encourage anyone suffering to get *every* kind of help at their disposal. But I'm living proof that God's heart isn't just to alleviate symptoms. Jesus came to DESTROY the works of the devil. It was His delight to crush the depression that held my mind captive, and I haven't felt so much peace or joy since I was a girl. I'm here to proclaim hope to someone trapped in their head - keep praising. Your prison walls are shaking and they will come down. God is for you.
From start to finish, my life will be a testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness. Every dark and evil thing that has come against me has to bow at the mighty, holy name of Jesus. In every moment of suffering, He has been present. In every temptation, He has offered a way out. In every loss, He has redeemed and restored. Nothing is wasted. No tear, no prayer, no ounce of faith. Like the woman who poured out her perfume and tears, I want to be fully spent on Jesus. Every gift, every beautiful thing in me. And every ache, every disappointment, every broken thing in me. Jesus, you can have it all. All the glory, honor and praise is Yours, in heaven and on earth! You are so GOOD!