Even If

I was recently asked to share about my story & my music. There are books in my heart that need to be written about that, but this post will be a start.

I was born a song-bird.

My first time leading a congregation in worship was when I was 4 years old. My sisters and I harmonized before we could ride bikes. Music is my mother tongue. My love for Jesus has always been intertwined with music, and worship has been my passion and my home for as long as I can remember.

My life had an idyllic start. Wonderful childhood, Godly family, healthy church. I was filled with God's Spirit and aware of His presence as far back as I can remember. Singing His praise was easy. I fell in love with my best friend in college and our marriage was another blessing piled up on my beautiful life. I had everything.

My first song of lament came when we lost our first child.

How? Why? What now? The Psalms came alive to me, and Job was balm to my heart. God drew near in my pain, and wept with me. We serve a God acquainted with our grief. What an honor to learn that side of Him, though it came at a price. My praise cost more, but it still felt natural to give Him.

We were blessed with two beautiful, healthy baby boys. My heart was so full! But postpartum depression haunted my early motherhood and marred those precious years. God heard my cries in the night when sleep and peace were far, and my mind was ravaged by imbalance & despair. My body and my brain suffered, but still I praised Him.

The next blow was as unwelcome and unexpected. My best friend, my love, my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. My world was shattered. My heart busted into a thousand pieces. How could this happen? How could I fix it? WHY? Over 3 excruciating months, God led me to answers, but they held more pain. Uncovering my husband's affair brought me clarity at the highest cost. My life with him was a lie, and it caused me to question everything. EVERYTHING.

Everything, that is, except my God. This solid core, this unshakable reality, this deep truth remained: God made me, and God loves me. I remember wailing and worshiping, one flowing into the other, as I reeled from the trauma. I was undone with grief, even as I was held together in love. Worship was so much more than pasting on a smile to some music. Worship was the depth of my soul, the fullness of my pain, touching the depth of His glory and the fullness of His grace.

It wasn't cheap, it wasn't easy. But my worship and my trust became even more solid as everything around me burned. I knew beyond doubt that God really was enough for me, even if I lost everything else.

"Though You Slay Me" was written years later, birthed in a moment of spontaneous worship with my bandmate Joel, at a conference after I had shared my story. So much healing had already happened by that point, but the place this song was written from was that darkest night, when everything else was stripped away. That choice that I had, that Job had, to offer God worship *before* the victory, *before* the comfort, *before* the rescue, is a choice that we only have in moments of brokenness. What a gift to give Jesus. We won't be able to give it to Him when new creation is restored, all is made right, and suffering is no more. Only here, only now, can I give Him the fragrant perfume of my suffering, poured out on His feet, mingled with my tears, a declaration of my trust.

The lyrics of this song have been somewhat controversial. I have no desire to defend myself, but I do want to make sure that misunderstanding doesn't impede ministry. So please hear me - I do NOT believe God slays His beloved ones. The cross answers any questions about God's intentions for us. The language we used is referencing Job 13:15, in which Job reaches the height of his emphatic assertion that *nothing* could cause him to question God's goodness & love. This kind of faith makes us dangerous against the powers of darkness. Our loyalty to God has no price tag. We do not make demands of the God of the universe in exchange for our faithfulness. We are abandoned and fully surrendered, holding nothing back.

Of course, as Job's story unfolds, God's restoration & generosity win the day, as they have in my life. I am happily remarried to a man who walked through the same fire as I did and came out refined. We have a beautiful blended family, with our miracle daughter as our cherry on top. Everything that was stolen from me has been restored - marriage, children, mental wholeness - with increase. This is what God does! When we give Him our pain and our trust, He makes a heavenly exchange, giving us healing and hope.

All of this is summed up in Jesus - slain, broken, and the world quaked. Yet *THIS* is what won the victory for us, and we are wrapped up in His resurrection and life!

I hope this song blesses you, and invites you into deeper surrender and trust.

Picking Up My Mat

Jesus healed my mind.

It's still hard for me to wrap my mind / heart / hope around. I've been contending with depression & anxiety for 13 years. It haunted and shamed me for my entire adult life. It cost me dearly, and was a formidable darkness. It wanted to destroy me and end my life. But with just one touch, one moment in worship, the Healer won my war.

Funny thing is, I wasn't even asking for healing. Oh, I have asked before, believe me. But in this moment, I just wanted Him. His sweet, overpowering, gentle, heavenly presence. I wanted to see His face, touch His heart. There's nothing and no one like Jesus. He's everything. Full stop.

Then He just healed me. Not because I did the correct 15 step process. Not because I earned it. Not because I finally learned the lesson. Just because He loves me. Just because it's what He wanted for me and I was positioned so closely to Him that I received it.

Now what?

Now I pick up my mat and go. Now I tell people about the power and beauty of Jesus. He still heals, still saves, still moves. My mat reminds me of where I was, and what He brought me out of. It also requires that I move out of my old habits and even the comforts of identifying with this disease.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit terrified. This public announcement of the most vulnerable parts of my being is a big step. For days I've been battling this fear that if I move wrong, think wrong, I might "lose" it. What if I got it wrong? What if this is just a break from the torture, not full healing? What if, what if, what if.....

Enough! My faith is in JESUS, not in my ability to "stay healed". HE is the author and perfecter of my faith, and I'm going to obey Him when He asks me to share my story. My life is His, and I trust Him to sustain me on every mountain and in every valley.

Our world is in the largest mental health crisis in history. God cares. God has answers. He has gifted us with medicine and treatment and I encourage anyone suffering to get *every* kind of help at their disposal. But I'm living proof that God's heart isn't just to alleviate symptoms. Jesus came to DESTROY the works of the devil. It was His delight to crush the depression that held my mind captive, and I haven't felt so much peace or joy since I was a girl. I'm here to proclaim hope to someone trapped in their head - keep praising. Your prison walls are shaking and they will come down. God is for you.

From start to finish, my life will be a testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness. Every dark and evil thing that has come against me has to bow at the mighty, holy name of Jesus. In every moment of suffering, He has been present. In every temptation, He has offered a way out. In every loss, He has redeemed and restored. Nothing is wasted. No tear, no prayer, no ounce of faith. Like the woman who poured out her perfume and tears, I want to be fully spent on Jesus. Every gift, every beautiful thing in me. And every ache, every disappointment, every broken thing in me. Jesus, you can have it all. All the glory, honor and praise is Yours, in heaven and on earth! You are so GOOD!